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            Kissing for the first time on a school bus in the dark on our way back from a high school football game.  That was how my relationship with my high school sweet heart began in the fall of the 10th grade.  Exactly when that was I’ll admit I don’t know, but I do know that she captivated me from the start now (something I didn’t realize at the time). 

At the time I didn’t even really believe in love nor did I know what love really was at all, but ask me now and I know the feeling even if I can’t describe love all that well.  Never had the intention of getting involved in a long-term relationship in high school, yet somehow she ensnared the whole of me in a way I never knew was possible or thought could happen.

We both played the French horn so that added up to a lot of time together right there, plus both of us being card game players helped out a lot too.  Two band geeks together, sounds about typical right? 

Except there was such a difference in that relationship, regardless of what others thought I enjoyed just being with her.  Even if that meant just driving around, or parking the car in the parking lot due to the lack of the money to do much else. 

Playing with her hair in classes, and doing the underclassmen crush trick of holding hands all through the classes we shared.  You look a fool to others, but with that link at that time there is little else that matters. 

How she loved to play Egyptian Rat Screw and Gin Rummy, both of which I almost never play anymore but once upon a time played often with her. 

Knowing her writing and how she liked to write in virtually bubbly chicken scratch that at times was hardly legible. 

Seeing her smile in the morning and looking into her eyes even if she only looked back for a second.  Never will forget her green eyes looking back at me like a goddess no matter how tired she was. 

Feeling her softly rest her head on my shoulder and sleep on long trips going to contests all over the state, yet that was so comfortable for me I fell asleep sitting upright.  The warmth of two bodies is incredible too, never had a problem staying warm in the winter ever.

Sensing the warmth of her kiss and knowing the curves of her lips as though I always had known since birth.

Knowing exactly how the curves of her body were so that I could hold her close but not uncomfortably for her.

If she ever got nervous about anything she would bend her fingernails and play with them a bit until she actually tore off the end to shorten them.  Amusing but at times definitely worried me more than I’d ever admit at the time.

Went skiing on a trip once and she got scared going down the hill, of course me being the idiot I am I laughed when she got scared just going down the easiest slopes.  Made it up to her by staying with her the rest of the trip while we skied and took care of her and kept her warm on the lifts back up.  She did keep skiing though.

Also got sick on a trip and she cleaned up the mess for me; that’s true love when a woman is willing to clean up your mess when you do something stupid like drink nearly a gallon of milk and lose your stomach on the bus.  Even my band director Mr. Nicks attested to that at the time.

Lunch was always good too because she was always there waiting for me or with me every time.  One of the nice perks about being in the same school.

During summers I could be with her more, she enjoyed playing Sim City 4 on my laptop when I was with her during snack breaks at Austin Community College.  Granted I was arrogant at the time and got to be a bit of a jerk sometimes by saying she was playing the game wrong.  As if it is possible to play a game wrong.

Musicians link through music in so many ways, for her I remember her every time I play the cds I got from my high school band, and at times I can even hear her playing and talking to me when she isn’t even here.  All depends on how home sick I am, irony being she doesn’t live there anymore and neither do I. 


You never know what you had until you lose it, and that happened for me once I had been in the US Army for about 3 months in September 2003.  Had kept in contact constantly through boot camp by letters and phone calls, how much she helped me get through that hard time.  Knowing you are loved is a powerful driving force when you run.

Lost her in September and that was because she didn’t feel she loved me anymore and thought that she had only loved me so much because I loved her so much.  That’s never changed and never will.  Can’t live in the past but I do remember it and can feel those feelings just as much now as then.

Think I took that break up better than I thought I would, only took me a month or so to recover and be able to smile again.  How much that hurt though, to feel as though you have a sword stabbed into you, feeling like a wounded deer shot in the heart running through the woods with no direction.  My direction had been that I would be with her one day; never had I thought that direction would be lost. 


Having felt and known what love is can change the world a lot, magically all those little financial goals could mean less.  Without love once you’ve felt love there is a massive hole where there once was fulfillment. 

Seeing that life means more than a simple matter of success and failure lets a person transcend materialism.   And opens the heart to others as well as feel emotions on a level I never knew was possible. 

Anger, lust, desire, hope, and future are magnified because all of a sudden this one person that isn’t you now means more to you than your own life and if anything happens to them you are no longer whole.  Material possessions can be replaced but that one that you love most can never be replaced.


What have I learned and what do I want now?  I learned what Celine Dion meant in her song “The Power of Love” and want that one woman that will make my life complete.   That one woman who is my everything, I may never meet her but I will never stop hoping and trying. 

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